“The preparation for the evacuation of the interrogation crew came after a sudden inflation of regurgitation and inflammation of the sores…”

In the midst of the day, while I still lay a sleep in my warm bed a thought often comes to mind; the alienation of our great country.

Now, I know what you are thinking “What are you talking about man; aliens have been in Iceland since the dawn of man!” That is, of course, true, however, their impact has been steadily increasing since the mid seventeenth century to the present day.

Let’s take our first beard wearing man, Árni Magnússon; famous for his script collection and for being a heavy Jazz enthusiast. Since he existed in a pre-digital camera world his appearance may fool. In fact, he wasn’t the gentle man depicted on the hundred krona bill, rather a seven hundred pound ogre with a taste for human flesh; the only thing shown correctly on the bill is his charming green skin.

The famous quote “My hero? Batman and Jesus, preferably a combination of the two, some kind of a "Batsus"” said by Jón Sigurðsson early 1892 is by many considered the greatest proof that he was not of this world; mainly because Batman wasn’t invented until his creator, Bob Kane, saw Adam West performing the “bat dance” at the Roayal Albert Hall in 1923. Others point to his big black eyes or grayish skin, hidden some part by big and fancy mutton chops.

Our first president, Sveinn Björnsson, was one of the first aliens that took on the famous Icelandic “look”: two eyes, one nose and a big ego. Remembered now mostly for being the first president and as the inventor of chicken pot pie and always as a great alien leader.

The presidency has been a good breeding ground for aliens; Vigdís Finnboga wasn’t only the first female president but also the first female alien president. Famous for her productivity and bilingualism, she spoke over four thousand languages.

As most people know our current president is not an alien, however his hair is another matter. A separate entity that forced its way onto the once bald scalp during the Nixon administration, the hair takes most of decisions, mainly the ones about hairdos, which in a way is the only decision he has had to make in 10 years.

Many consider Magnús Skarphéðinsson to be a crazy SOB, but there is no one who knows more about alien contact than him. He grew up with his adopted alien brother Rysor 4, renamed Össur, for many years. He has also eaten lunch with the alien queen Ingibjörg Sólrún and the alien party, known as “Vinstri Grænir” on several occasions.

It is obvious that aliens are here on Iceland to stay and we must befriend them, but never ever vote for them.

Alien trivia:

Siggi Hall’s best selling book is “How to serve human” (it’s a cookbook)

Have a nice day…

Since the eldest men on earth can remember, people have been trying to top the sliced bread. Many claim that their inventions, or doohickeys if you will, are the best thing since sliced bread. Now, as everybody knows, cavemen invented the sliced bread during the second ice age, however, not to everybody’s wisdom, something has been invented, long ago even, that puts sliced bread to shame. Is it the light bulb, the car or maybe the cyborg? No my friends, it’s the spork.

The spork, invented by Bruce Campbell during the Nixon administration, took the world by storm in the 60’s. Commonly used by hippies that didn’t boil their drugs in the more common iron spoons of glory, nevertheless needed to be able to eat soup and poke people without switching tools.

A slim, plastic flick of a thing. Not to be confused with a regular fork or spoon but a grandiose mixture. Much like the half man, half horse figures in the stories of ye old time (and Harry Potter books).

Pop culture artist and hair stylist Andy Warhol had a brief love affair with the spork and made the famous “Campbell soup” painting to honour Bruce Campbell, the inventor of the spork. Originally the painting depicted an open can of soup with a spork sunken in it. 

Many famous quotes are in circulation about the spork, here are only a few examples:

“There is nothing to fear but a sporkless world. “
Franklin D. Roosevelt

"My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the spork, why it is as it is and why it exists at all. "
Stephen Hawking

"Hatred paralyzes life; the spork releases it. Hatred confuses life; the spork harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; the spork illuminates it. "
Martin Luther King

Aw, cool: a spork!
Bart Simpson (When realizing that his Swiss army blade comes equipped with a spork)

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
Neil Armstrong (originally said in 1967 when he first ate at KFC with a spork)

Will evolution ever harness something as potent as the spork again? Only time can tell. My prediction is no. Absolutely, positively no.

In the late '70s my brain was hit by a meteor, it caused it to be a forgetful brain, a brain that keeps forgetting you might say. Because of this horrible feature I often have to remind myself again and again about things that I need to do, am doing or have done. It goes so far that even important figures in my life strive into the darken territory of my memory, never to be remembered again. That’s why I have decided to write down a couple of paragraphs about some of the people in my daily life, so I, God willing, won’t forget them. The first one, picked at random, is none other than… drum roles. Einar Guðna!

Einar Guðna, aka Einar Sabbat, Einar President, Einar Brain or Einar the Red, has been a favorite of the masses for a long time. Most famous for his strength as a leader while president of the Black Sabbath club and even more so on the football field where he kicks the ball like no other, or so I have been told.

A student of politics, he hopes to aspire into a great leader of a city or a nation. If that fails he will always have his great band, The Complete Moisture, in which he plays the bass with much depth and joy. His storytelling skills are unmatched and he can sing like a clarinet.

Often portrayed as a gentle man, he kicks off every earthly bound on the dance floor. Dancing like no-one has danced before (with the exception of the splendid lads that are Gísli and Baldur). His only vice is his Coke addiction which he claims to have under control, though many sources suggest otherwise. He stays away from liquor, thus proving that a man needs not to be drunk to have a glorious time.

Driving around in his red Ford jeep, he goes from place to place like a red giant lion that drives a Ford. People often try to take advantages of his superior driving skills and his low blood alcohol level but he brushes them of as the leeches they are and will forever be

Many the times has he been caught nude on a camera with his fellow Einars and some have even called them attention grabbing, but we know better and can understand the subtle ironic satire that their posing and innuendos confront.

Known by the public for his many radio interviews and starring roles in such short films as “The Komercual” or his many appearances in singing competitions, and of course, as the number one party animal. He is known by his closer friends as a caring and loyal chap that one can always count on if caught in a jiffy.

One down, some to go.

It seems like every time I visit the store there is a new type of toothbrushes waiting for me to buy. Sometimes they stress the limits of our imagination by claiming that they are not just new types, but a new breed, a new cleaner, more efficient, faster, better, saver way of cleaning your teeth. The newest addition is the 360° toothbrush, not only does it clean your teeth like no other toothbrushes has ever cleaned your teeth, it also comes equipped with a tongue cleansing thingy on the back of it. It guarantees that your mouth will contain 96% less of odor-causing bacteria substance after each use.

Now, maybe I don’t know jack about oral hygiene but this is the first time I ever heard about cleaning your tongue. I admit that before buying the 360° (yes, I bought it), I was a tongue virgin. Not in the meaning that I haven’t used my tongue in sexual activities, rather that I’ve never used a tongue cleaning system to clean my tongue. Somehow I figured that the tongue was auto cleaning or more likely I just never thought about my tongue as something in need of a good scrubbing.  

As time passes and technology surpasses our wildest fantasies, we can only imagine the wonders and how extreme the toothbrushes of the future will be. My best guess is that they will invent a toothbrush that cleans that thing in the back of your throat without making you hurl.

It seems that I have been clocked. I am not sure what being clocked means exactly but to my faint understanding it seems to intail that I have to make some not-so-well-known facts about me public.

• Firstly, even though my favorite television show has been “The Simpsons” since 1990, I have had a few strong contenders through out the years for the second place. Embarrassingly enough, for a couple of years my second favorite show was “The Nanny”. My taste has changed a bit over the years.
   
• Contrary to popular believe I am not a people’s person, most people annoy the heck out of me but there are a few, selected, that I like and some even that I like very much. You probably know who you are. By the way, don't ask.
   
• I was incredibly bad at reading until I was about seven; the only thing I could read was those strange looking books about that brown bird. I am much better at it now.
   
• Even though I make people think that I am incredibly smart, I am actually quite a pudden-head and most things are far beyond my comprehension. I get away with it because I am a fantastic actor.
   
• Speaking about being a fantastic actor, in elementary school I portrayed many of the world’s most important figures, namely Hemmi Gunn, Gísli Rúnar, Charlie Brown, the lead in the play “Óvitar” by Guðrún Helgadóttir and many more. I have since retired.
   
• I thoroughly enjoy a lot of songs that are not universally loved by my peers, for example “Time of the Season” by the Zombies, “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode, “True Faith” by New Order, “All Night Long” by Lionel Ritchie, “Beautiful Ones” by Suade, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by Israel Kamakawiwo\'ole and “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler.

That’s my list and I hope you have enjoyed it.